I like Saturday mornings, especially at the end of July. There's a laid back, lazy feeling to the day. Things don't start happening around here until around ten o'clock and then they unwind slowly in a leisurely way, and that's how I like it. You’d like this house; it's a comfortable house, Victorian, they tell me. The ceilings are high and the rooms are spacious. The hall has a wide staircase with wrought iron, nicely painted but it does rather gather the dust, those motes that float lazily in the summer sunlight, but then nobody seems to bother a great deal about dusting around here. The front door has stained glass windows with patterns in the glass, lovely when the sultry sun shines through. The house is about five minutes from Regent's Park. Very handy that is. I like to walk in Regent's Park.
Ah, did you hear that door, the one that creaks? Hear that bang as it closes? That's Ted's door, that is. Do you hear the sandals flap on the stair and on the hall floor? There, just as I thought, this is Ted in ‘civvies'. You will notice the trousers bag at the knee, the T shirt with the hole in and, of course, the sandals. This is Saturday dress code. Notice that the hair is curly and untidy. That does not change. Ted's hair does not respond to cream or comb or gel. It will not be controlled. It just is. Good morning, Ted.
‘Morning, Quincy, it's going to be a hot one.’
That's me, Quincy D Johnson, at your service. Watch now, Ted will go to the back door and fling it open. He will stand on the doorstep for a few moments and breathe deeply. I, meanwhile, will go out into the garden and take the air. I will inspect the state of the roses, check to see whether the lawn needs trimming, which it does, and generally ensure that things in the garden are as they should be. You'll need to get the hose out this evening, Ted.
Back inside, Ted will have put the kettle on, stuck some bread in the toaster and perched his six-foot frame on a stool where we can share a Saturday morning breakfast together. On weekdays, things are different. There isn't time to sit on a stool. Things are hectic, coffee is swigged, toast is hurriedly chomped on the run and ties are hastily and often crookedly fastened.
Did you have a good night last night Ted?
‘Great night, Quincy, you would have been proud of me. I met a girl, very pretty, warm and exuberant. Her name is Fi.’
What, as in Fee Fi Fo Fum?
‘It's short for Fiona. I've asked her out.’
You've asked her? Are you sure about that?
‘Well, I think it was me who asked her. I was telling her about Wendy's show and she said she'd love to see it and I said I was sure I could get tickets so we're going tonight’
You've got butter on your T shirt, Ted.
‘Would you like some toast, Quincy?’
I thought you'd never ask. Now what did you actually say about the show? Did you tell her that Wendy spends about two minutes on stage in the first act carrying a tray of drinks and she says, ‘Yes, Mr Grimshaw' and that's it, two minutes, three words.
‘I told her that Wendy is a struggling young actress who shares the house with us and I wanted to support her now she's got a chance in the West End.’
Struggling is about right, poor dear. I hope you told Fi about Alan. I'm not sure she'd be too keen on the idea of Wendy sharing the house with a couple of blokes. You did tell her she was living with Alan, didn't you?
‘I said that Alan and Wendy were living here until they got fixed up with a place of their own. That Alan is my cousin and he's a writer.’
Writer! When did he last string two words together? Perpetual student, more like. Did you say he was bedridden? I doubt if we'll see him this side of midday.
‘Here Quincy, finish the toast and we'll take a turn round the park if you like.’
A turn round the park will do very nicely, thank you, though we'll take it easy, It's no good tearing about in this heat.
Ted has gone off to the shops to make sure he's got everything we might need for this evening. Fi might come back for coffee or a nightcap or whatever. You never know. It's good to see Ted meeting a girl, he's a nice bloke, bit cautious, thinks everything out, shy, you know. I was a bit surprised when he said he's asked her out. I thought it far more likely that she asked him.
Hear that? That is the door that sticks a bit and has to be yanked open. It’s the door to Wendy and Alan's room and as it’s now only eleven thirty I would guess that it’s Wendy whose feet are pattering down the stairs. Here she comes, blonde hair cropped short, skinny as a rail, with enormous blue eyes and sensitive features. She has the easy grace of a dancer. She will never make it on the stage. She hasn't got that ‘oomph’ but she is a delightful girl who is totally wasted on that slug, Alan.
Good morning, Wendy. Did you sleep well?
‘Hello, Quincy, has Ted gone out?’
Gone to the shops, back soon, he's left you a note.
‘Oh, a note, ‘Can I have two tickets for this evening, love Ted.’ Two, I could get him twenty; we aren't exactly full for this evening. I can't see us running past the end of the month at this rate. Then I'll be ‘resting’ again. I know the pay isn't much but at least I'm working. Two tickets, has Ted found a girl, Quincy? I do hope so, he’s such a nice man, so solid and dependable.’
You mean boring. No, he’s alright, I suppose. Yes, he’s found a girl, her name's Fiona. I'll let him tell you about her when he comes in. Now, what are we having for breakfast today?
‘I'll just have a cup of coffee then I'll get off to the theatre, we've got a couple of things to run through.’
‘Yes, Mr Grimshaw'. How long does that take? You really ought to eat more you know, Wendy. Ted puts more out for the birds than you eat. You could do with a bit of meat on your bones.
‘I'll see you later, Quincy. I'll get Ted those tickets, Bye.’
Good morning, Wendy. Did you sleep well?
‘Hello, Quincy, has Ted gone out?’
Gone to the shops, back soon, he's left you a note.
‘Oh, a note, ‘Can I have two tickets for this evening, love Ted.’ Two, I could get him twenty; we aren't exactly full for this evening. I can't see us running past the end of the month at this rate. Then I'll be ‘resting’ again. I know the pay isn't much but at least I'm working. Two tickets, has Ted found a girl, Quincy? I do hope so, he’s such a nice man, so solid and dependable.’
You mean boring. No, he’s alright, I suppose. Yes, he’s found a girl, her name's Fiona. I'll let him tell you about her when he comes in. Now, what are we having for breakfast today?
‘I'll just have a cup of coffee then I'll get off to the theatre, we've got a couple of things to run through.’
‘Yes, Mr Grimshaw'. How long does that take? You really ought to eat more you know, Wendy. Ted puts more out for the birds than you eat. You could do with a bit of meat on your bones.
‘I'll see you later, Quincy. I'll get Ted those tickets, Bye.’
The clock in the hall strikes the hour of one. The one in this case being Alan yanking open the sticky door and shuffling down the stairs like an old man of three score years and ten. Actually, I think it's one score and five.
Good afternoon, Alan.
‘'Lo, Quincy, God, I feel rough. Have they left anything for breakfast?’
Lunch would be a better idea, Alan. So, you feel rough. Well you look worse; long stringy hair and two days growth on a thin face. Did you sleep in that shirt and those jeans? Ted threw some old jeans out last week and they didn't have holes like that in them.
‘Don't give me one of your disapproving looks, Quincy. I was working late last night. I got over a thousand words done. It was good stuff too. At least what I remember was good. If Wendy hadn't come in late from the theatre and wanted to talk, I’d have done more.’
Talk? I could hear the bed rattling through the whole house. I wish you'd be gentler with her, she's not strong, you know.
‘Sometimes I feel that Wendy's holding me back, Quincy. I just don't seem to be doing my best work since we've been together.’
Holding you back! Holding you up, you mean, her pitiful wages have been keeping you in beer and fags for the past three months. If you can't take care of that girl, you and I are going to fall out.
‘There you are with that look. I know you don't like me, Quincy but this is Ted's house and he's my cousin.’
Don't go on at me, Alan or I might turn nasty. Oh, there's the front door. That'll be Ted back from the Shops, I'll go and meet him.
‘Hello, Quincy, Hi, Alan, you look rough, working late last night?’
‘Hello, Ted, yes, I got a good bit done last night, rather pleased with it.’
‘I'll get some fresh coffee on and make a sandwich if you like.’
‘That would be great, Ted. What have you been up to?’
‘I went to get some things from the shops in case Fi comes back after the show.’
‘Fi?’
‘Yes, Fiona. I met her last night. She's coming to watch Wendy this evening. I thought we'd give her a bit of support.
‘That's nice. Wendy will like that. I don't think the audiences are very big. She was saying they might have to close at the end of the month.’
‘She will be disappointed. I know the money isn't good, but she loves to be in work.’
‘Yes, well, she’s not chosen the best career for steady work. Most of her friends are ‘resting’. I'm struggling to work myself at the moment. I've not done any really decent writing since Wendy moved in.’
‘Oh dear, if it's not working out, Alan you will be gentle with her.’
Don't look at me! I said nothing.
‘I'm very fond of Wendy, Alan, I wouldn't want her hurt.’
Good afternoon, Alan.
‘'Lo, Quincy, God, I feel rough. Have they left anything for breakfast?’
Lunch would be a better idea, Alan. So, you feel rough. Well you look worse; long stringy hair and two days growth on a thin face. Did you sleep in that shirt and those jeans? Ted threw some old jeans out last week and they didn't have holes like that in them.
‘Don't give me one of your disapproving looks, Quincy. I was working late last night. I got over a thousand words done. It was good stuff too. At least what I remember was good. If Wendy hadn't come in late from the theatre and wanted to talk, I’d have done more.’
Talk? I could hear the bed rattling through the whole house. I wish you'd be gentler with her, she's not strong, you know.
‘Sometimes I feel that Wendy's holding me back, Quincy. I just don't seem to be doing my best work since we've been together.’
Holding you back! Holding you up, you mean, her pitiful wages have been keeping you in beer and fags for the past three months. If you can't take care of that girl, you and I are going to fall out.
‘There you are with that look. I know you don't like me, Quincy but this is Ted's house and he's my cousin.’
Don't go on at me, Alan or I might turn nasty. Oh, there's the front door. That'll be Ted back from the Shops, I'll go and meet him.
‘Hello, Quincy, Hi, Alan, you look rough, working late last night?’
‘Hello, Ted, yes, I got a good bit done last night, rather pleased with it.’
‘I'll get some fresh coffee on and make a sandwich if you like.’
‘That would be great, Ted. What have you been up to?’
‘I went to get some things from the shops in case Fi comes back after the show.’
‘Fi?’
‘Yes, Fiona. I met her last night. She's coming to watch Wendy this evening. I thought we'd give her a bit of support.
‘That's nice. Wendy will like that. I don't think the audiences are very big. She was saying they might have to close at the end of the month.’
‘She will be disappointed. I know the money isn't good, but she loves to be in work.’
‘Yes, well, she’s not chosen the best career for steady work. Most of her friends are ‘resting’. I'm struggling to work myself at the moment. I've not done any really decent writing since Wendy moved in.’
‘Oh dear, if it's not working out, Alan you will be gentle with her.’
Don't look at me! I said nothing.
‘I'm very fond of Wendy, Alan, I wouldn't want her hurt.’
It is now a muggy evening and all is quiet for a while. Wendy is strutting her two-minute stuff at the theatre, Ted and Fiona are watching her and Alan is upstairs pretending to write a novel. The only thing that is novel is him writing anything. I hope they'll be back soon, my stomach feels that supper time is about due. Ah, a key in the lock. Welcome everyone. Welcome Ted, welcome Wendy - how did it go? Welcome Fiona. My, you are a bit of alright, aren’t you? Taller than Wendy with longer hair, dark and sensual. You look a bit racy for our steady old Edward but we'll see. Come on Wendy, how did it go tonight?
‘I'll open some wine. You look as if you could do with a drink; Wendy.’
Oh, that good.
‘Yes, pour her a big one I'm sure she needs it.’
‘What a disaster, dropping the tray was bad enough, that completely threw me. Then I said, ‘Yes Mr Grimsdyke’ and that about did it. I've never felt so embarrassed.’
Come on Ted, get the cork out, the girl needs a drink, poor lass.
‘I thought you were lovely, Wendy dear.’
‘Thanks Fiona, but I know how it was.’
'‘Here Wendy, get this down you.’
‘Thanks, Ted.’
I think it's time that Alan came down and gave the girl some support. Ah, speak of the devil and he shall appear.
‘Hello, how did it go? Oh, not good. Hello, you must be Fiona. I'm Alan.’
‘Hi Alan, I hear you're a writer.’
‘Yes, well, one tries.’
‘You must let me read some of your stuff. I know a few publishers.’
‘Oh, great. Er, why don't you come up? I’ll show you what I've been doing.’
Hey Alan, there's a girl suffering down here. She's your girl and what she needs at the moment is your support and a great big hug, not you going upstairs with another woman and leaving her. Alan, you prat, get down here. He's gone. Sorry Wendy, you've got a loser there. Don't cry, love.
‘Oh Ted, what am I going to do?’
‘Drink this, Wendy and come and sit over here.’
I don't understand what's going on here. How come Alan is upstairs with Ted's bird while Ted is down here comforting Alan's bird? Would someone like to explain this?
‘Stop whining, Quincy, this isn't the time for it.’
Right Ted, thanks for those kind words.
‘I'll open some wine. You look as if you could do with a drink; Wendy.’
Oh, that good.
‘Yes, pour her a big one I'm sure she needs it.’
‘What a disaster, dropping the tray was bad enough, that completely threw me. Then I said, ‘Yes Mr Grimsdyke’ and that about did it. I've never felt so embarrassed.’
Come on Ted, get the cork out, the girl needs a drink, poor lass.
‘I thought you were lovely, Wendy dear.’
‘Thanks Fiona, but I know how it was.’
'‘Here Wendy, get this down you.’
‘Thanks, Ted.’
I think it's time that Alan came down and gave the girl some support. Ah, speak of the devil and he shall appear.
‘Hello, how did it go? Oh, not good. Hello, you must be Fiona. I'm Alan.’
‘Hi Alan, I hear you're a writer.’
‘Yes, well, one tries.’
‘You must let me read some of your stuff. I know a few publishers.’
‘Oh, great. Er, why don't you come up? I’ll show you what I've been doing.’
Hey Alan, there's a girl suffering down here. She's your girl and what she needs at the moment is your support and a great big hug, not you going upstairs with another woman and leaving her. Alan, you prat, get down here. He's gone. Sorry Wendy, you've got a loser there. Don't cry, love.
‘Oh Ted, what am I going to do?’
‘Drink this, Wendy and come and sit over here.’
I don't understand what's going on here. How come Alan is upstairs with Ted's bird while Ted is down here comforting Alan's bird? Would someone like to explain this?
‘Stop whining, Quincy, this isn't the time for it.’
Right Ted, thanks for those kind words.
It's been half an hour now. She's just sitting there, snuggling up against Ted. Has she gone to sleep? What's that I can hear? This could be interesting, I know that rhythmical sound.
‘Ted?’
‘Yes, love.’
‘Do you know what that sound means?’
‘Yes, love. It means that Alan is leaving in the morning. Cousin or not he's not doing that to someone I care about, in my house.’
‘I'm sorry Ted, and you'd only just met her.’
‘Not her, you, silly goose, he's not going to treat you like that. I care about you, Wendy, hadn't you noticed?’
‘But, Fiona.’
‘I met Fiona at a business do, Wendy. She works for a publishing group and she's always on the lookout for writers. I saw her eyes light up when I said my cousin was a writer and I thought some of his stuff could be good if he got off his arse and worked at it. I knew that would bring her here. That's what she's good at you know, motivation.’
‘It sounds as if she's motivating his brains out at the moment.’
‘Yes, well, she can take him somewhere else to do it in the morning.’
‘I'll pack my things when they've gone.’
‘Only if you want to, Wendy. I wish you would stay. As I said, I care for you. It took me a while to realise that it wasn't because you were my cousin's girl. I care for you. I'd like you to stay, with me. I had an idea. Why don't you find something to do while you're ‘resting’? The room at the front of the house has a great wooden floor and with a few mirrors and bars added you could give dancing lessons and some speech work. You could call it the Wendy Johnson Theatre School.’
‘But my name's Smith.’
‘It could be Johnson. I'd like that. I'd like that very much.’
‘This is so sudden, Ted. I always saw you as a cautious man who liked to think everything out.’
‘I am. You don't know how long I've been thinking. You've never been right for Alan. He needs someone to kick him up the arse every so often to keep him on track. You need a good solid man to support you and be there in the times when things are rough. He can't give you that, he's a dreamer. He's so lost in his work he forgets you're there.’
‘Ted Johnson, you are a lovely man. Would you take me to bed, please? Today has been very rough and I need a good solid man at this moment.’
Oh right, off you go then, both of you, don't worry about me. I'll just stay here, shall I? Right, I'll stay here then. See you in the morning. I don't know, it’s a dog’s life init?
‘Ted?’
‘Yes, love.’
‘Do you know what that sound means?’
‘Yes, love. It means that Alan is leaving in the morning. Cousin or not he's not doing that to someone I care about, in my house.’
‘I'm sorry Ted, and you'd only just met her.’
‘Not her, you, silly goose, he's not going to treat you like that. I care about you, Wendy, hadn't you noticed?’
‘But, Fiona.’
‘I met Fiona at a business do, Wendy. She works for a publishing group and she's always on the lookout for writers. I saw her eyes light up when I said my cousin was a writer and I thought some of his stuff could be good if he got off his arse and worked at it. I knew that would bring her here. That's what she's good at you know, motivation.’
‘It sounds as if she's motivating his brains out at the moment.’
‘Yes, well, she can take him somewhere else to do it in the morning.’
‘I'll pack my things when they've gone.’
‘Only if you want to, Wendy. I wish you would stay. As I said, I care for you. It took me a while to realise that it wasn't because you were my cousin's girl. I care for you. I'd like you to stay, with me. I had an idea. Why don't you find something to do while you're ‘resting’? The room at the front of the house has a great wooden floor and with a few mirrors and bars added you could give dancing lessons and some speech work. You could call it the Wendy Johnson Theatre School.’
‘But my name's Smith.’
‘It could be Johnson. I'd like that. I'd like that very much.’
‘This is so sudden, Ted. I always saw you as a cautious man who liked to think everything out.’
‘I am. You don't know how long I've been thinking. You've never been right for Alan. He needs someone to kick him up the arse every so often to keep him on track. You need a good solid man to support you and be there in the times when things are rough. He can't give you that, he's a dreamer. He's so lost in his work he forgets you're there.’
‘Ted Johnson, you are a lovely man. Would you take me to bed, please? Today has been very rough and I need a good solid man at this moment.’
Oh right, off you go then, both of you, don't worry about me. I'll just stay here, shall I? Right, I'll stay here then. See you in the morning. I don't know, it’s a dog’s life init?