To the tune of “Here we come la wassailing":

Willie went a wassailing to view the festive scene,
Willie drank a quart of stout and now he's turning green,
Uncle Roy take him home, he is much too young to roam.
At his age he should not be drinking alcohol at all,
Oh, and please don't let him throw up in the hall.

To “Away in a Manger”:
Our Maisie's had a baby it was born yesterday
And it doesn't have a father, at least that's what she says.
Our Dad says that he'll kill her, so there's no peace on earth
It's been two thousand years since the last virgin birth.

Our Mum started crying and Dad starts to shout
“You know it's a present we could well do without.”
Dad says to our Maisie “Didn't Mum tell you how
To avoid having babies, you silly young girl?”

To “Up Good Christen Folk":
Ding dong ding, dinga donga ding
Ding dong ding dong dinga dong ding
Up at midnight Tom and Rita
Found that Santa had their stockings filled.
Woke up Dad and half the neighbours,
Not surprising, they were not so thrilled.
Then their brother and another
Boy who had been out on the town,
Came home singing, tidings bringing,
Noels ringing really brought the house down.
Mrs Priestman called the policemen
We can hear them on their way
Nee nor nee nor we can't get no
Peace on earth on Christmas Day.
Ding dong ding, dinga donga ding
Ding dong ding dong dinga dong ding.

To the tune of “In the Bleak Midwinter" - Gustav Holst.
When we get near Christmas, father always moans
Computer games and X-box, PS2 and mobile phones.
Shopping, always on the go, Father gets forlorn,
By the time we've bought the presents he's well overdrawn.
What can I give him; it's so hard to choose
Some socks, some ties, some biscuits or some cans of
If he had the money I know what he would like,
A blonde, big breasted bimbo on a Harley motorbike.

“The Twelve Days Of Christmas":
On the first day of Christmas my family gave to me
A big tin of Quality Street.
On the second day of Christmas my family gave to me
Bart Simpson socks…
On the third day of Christmas my family gave to me
Three jazzy ties…
On the fourth day of Christmas my family gave to me
Four cans of ale…
On the fifth day of Christmas my family gave to me
Five mince pies…
On the sixth day of Christmas my family gave to me
Six Nike golf balls…
On the seventh day of Christmas my family gave to me
Seven saucy singlets…
On the eighth day of Christmas my family gave to me
Eight different diaries…
On the ninth day of Christmas my family gave to me
Nine naughty nude books…
On the tenth day of Christmas my family gave to me
Ten DVDs…
On the eleventh day of Christmas my family gave to me
Size eleven slippers…
On the twelfth day of Christmas my family gave to me
Twelve packs of Rennies, Size eleven slippers, Ten DVDs, Nine naughty nude books, Eight different diaries, Seven saucy singlets, Six Nike golf balls, Five mince pies, Four cans of ale, Three jazzy ties, Bart Simpson socks and a big tin of Quality Street.